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Decision-Making in
Hell: A word to the Wise
While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown
falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency
dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before
you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist
around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No
problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,"
says the PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders
from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new
HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day
in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,"
replies Brown. "I'm sorry.. But we have our rules," Peter
interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and
he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The
temperature is a perfect 22C degree. In the distance is a beautiful
clubhouse. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands
of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years
--- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the
Labour Party leaders were there.. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually
but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to
reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense
of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then
dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with
a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!" "Uh,
I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not
worry and it just gets better from there!" Brown takes the drink
and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very
friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious
nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the
European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime
promises.They are having such a great time that,
before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug
and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again
and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven,"
the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Brown is made
to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy
each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat
each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.
No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's
not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see
anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa,"
he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared
me for this!" The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well,
you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you
want to live for Eternity." With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme
playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ...
Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this
-- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think
I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him
to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle
of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial
wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected
Australian outback, but worse and more desolate. He is horrified to
see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking
up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They
are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder."
I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday
I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate
lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks
miserable!" The Devil looks at him, smiles
slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were
campaigning; today you voted for us!"
FORMER
1ST LADY GIVEN INDIAN NAME
"WALKING EAGLE"
Whether you are a Democrat or a Republican,
you might enjoy reading this.... "Walking Eagle" Senator Hillary
Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian
Nation two weeks ago in up state New York .
She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every
Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become
the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York
Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that
came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the
details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas
for helping her "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with
a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud
Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came
to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking
Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit
it can no longer fly.
Hot air balloon
A man in a hot air balloon realized
he was lost. He
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He
descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're
in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer,"
said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist,
"everything you told
me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make
of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."
The woman below responded,
"You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist,
"but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you
don't know where you
are or where you're going. You have risen to where
you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you
were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Has my life been in
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